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搞笑英语剧本

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搞笑英语剧本

  搞笑英语剧本(一)

搞笑英语剧本

  演员表:

  西门吹雪

  叶孤城

  花满楼

  king

  旁白

  道具:牛奶两袋,匕首一把,戒子一枚,纸屑若干。

  第一幕:决战紫荆城之颠

  旁白:A quiet village is covered with white snow .

  Birds are dancing in the cold .

  A man is walking along the street ,step by step .

  Wind is coming in silence.

  Another mysterious man approaches .

  Y与X相遇。

  X:oH ,I am sorry to knock you !

  Y:Haha, Never mind baybay.

  X:Excuseme, who are you on earth? could you tell me your name?

  Y:ha ha ,I won’t change my name! no matter what happens. I’m the most famous-------YeGucheng. Who are you?

  X:I am ximenchuixue.

  Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchuixue?

  X:Yes,what is wrong?

  Y:I heard that you are the besting MartialArts?

  X:Great, youknowme !

  Y抱腿:Please, please…… Don’t kill me! let me you go!

  X:No, I must kill you !

  Y:Idon''''''''''''''''twant to be killed.There are a eighty-year-old mothe and a three-year old son to be looked after by me!

  X:Noway! Because we are fightin gnow!youknow?

  Y突然站起冷冷的说:Don''''''''''''''''t force me!

  X:Pardon!

  (Y拿出一袋牛奶)

  X抢过牛奶:milk, verygood! I like drinking it. how do you know that?

  Y:please drink it!

  X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha

  Y:Do you still want to kill me?

  X:Sure, must! milk is milk.

  Y(恼怒+冷酷):Verygood! verygood! I hope you will not forget what you said!?

  X:I’m sure Iwon’t!

  Y:I must give you a lesson!IfIdon''''''''''''''''t beat your his time, you’llneverbehaveproperly!3-2-1-0!

  X捂着肚子,蹲下:Oach,Oach !

  Y大笑:HaHa……

  X可怜状: help! help! Whereisthewashroom?

  Y:What ?

  X:Toliet?

  Y:What ?

  X:The "WC"?

  Y:Oh,I see ,goalongthisstreetandturnrightwhenyouseeacorssingroad!

  X:Thanks,byebye.

  Y掏出纸屑吹:Thisisgenuirnesnow!

  H:Stop!Protectingtheenvironmentisabasicobligation!

  Y:Whoareyou?

  H:Hua---man----lou! Haveyouseenximenchuixue?

  Y:Yes, hewasbeatenbymeandisin"WC" now,ha……

  H惊讶:Nowyouarethebestintheworld!

  Y:Youareright!

  H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor! doyouwantjoininus?

  Y:Yes,It’sverygood.

  H:Ok, followme, Let’sgotoseemyking!

  Y:Ok,Let’s go!

  第二幕:无间道

  H:Mydearest ! letmeintroduce yeguchengtoyou! (指Y) thisisyegucheng.

  K:sitdownplese, yegucheng.

  H走到Y前,《婚礼进行曲》起,H神甫状:Yegucheng! Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenssuchascold headache,sair and aids?

  Y: Yes,Ido.

  K: Huamanlou, come . puttheringonhisfinger!(音乐停)

  X唱着上:Onlyyou……(看到戒子) thisringshouldbemine!

  K:Butwhoareyou? whyshoulditbelongyou?

  Y急切: king! dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi(维语再见)

  K:huoxi? Whatdoesthatmean? ItisnotEnglish, isn’t it ?

  Y:How clever……

  X冷酷:yegucheng! comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!

  Y抱X的腿:oldbrother ! Forgiveme!

  X:Forgiveme? Why?

  Y: Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit. Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou"I love you",Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!

  X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s"WC"!

  Y:Ilikegoinglady’s WC .I……I……IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(Y又拿出一袋牛奶)

  X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)

  K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?

  X:Youarestupid! Itmeans"I love you".

  K:Don’t saythat"you love me". I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!

  X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come…(X上去抓住K)

  K:Imustkillyou!

  X:Howcanyoukillme? haha……

  Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子,蹲下)

  K: thankyouverymuch, yousaveme. Now, I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou

  haveavacation.

  Y:That’s good. butthereisonemorething. canyougivemea MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.

  K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha……

  Y:Hahaha-----

  H:Where’ssomewhere?

  K:What?

  Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s"WC"?

  X:Yes,I……I…… do.

  H顶着摇头:X,no, no, youcan’tgotoLady’s "WC". Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!

  X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !

  K: youareright. onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie. Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !

  H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !

  K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ?

  H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng------the wifeofX .I’maspy.

  K惊讶: !you---you---YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?

  Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou . atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Xwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .

  H扑倒在X的身边:X,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !

  K:what amoving story !I was impressed !

  Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !

  H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !

  (H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏,K吓跑。音乐《再见,警察》起)

  Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you------help me . I’ll never dothat again !(Y死,音乐停)

  (X咳,H扑到身边,电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起)

  H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .

  X:gohome ! ?

  H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !

  X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor… promise meyou will survive… that youwillnevergiveup… nomatter what happens… no matter howhopeless… promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.

  H: I promise .

  X:Never let go .

  H:Ipromise . Iwill never let go ,

  X.I''''''''ll never letgo.

  H:be alive !yeah , bealive ! bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback . thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning !

  搞笑英语剧本(二)

  人物:农夫,兔子A,兔子B,大树。

  农夫:I’m a farmer.(稍停顿)[走两步]A cool farmer.(掏出墨镜戴上)[冷酷地走两步,突然被绊了一跤,继续保持冷酷]Eh…When I was yong,I studied in Xu~~~~chuan Middle School.So, I’m rich now![开始展示名牌,边说边掏]Look!This is my modern mobile——Nokia WC 250!This is my watch!This is my MP3!These are my shoes——(夸张低沉地)ADIDAS!This is… [不经意地掏出一个苹果]Oh,sorry.[扔掉苹果]It’s this![从怀里掏出痒痒挠] Do you know what’s this?痒痒挠?No no no~~You are out!!It’s my modern——锄头~!![看下表]       It is time to do some farming![开始弯下腰做出锄地的动作]

  树:I’m a tree!I can do many things!I can sing![做出疯狂摇滚歌手的动作,哼哼哈西!!!]I can dance![跳四小天鹅] Oh?There comes a rabbit! [引导观众看兔子A)。树站回后台]

  兔子A:OK,I’m a rabbit. Now I’m just walking around here.

  [农夫继续锄地,边锄边上场,突然看见前面有个兔子]

  农夫:(惊喜地)Lunch![扔掉痒痒挠]I will catch it! [偷偷摸摸地跟到兔子后面走]

  [农夫跟在兔子后面。两个人走啊走。兔子突然回头。农夫假装看手表。两人继续走。兔子回头。农夫假装看天气。两人继续走。兔子回头。农夫假装打手机。两人继续走,兔子回头。这次农夫冷酷地把枪口对准了兔子。]

  兔子A:Wahhhh~!(吓一跳)What do you want?

  农夫:Huh…!I will kill U for lunch!

  兔子A: Wah~~~~~~ [兔子跑,躲到树后面,农夫追到树前]

  农夫:Where~ to go? Haha!

  [农夫开了一枪"砰"(配音)。兔子在树后惊慌躲闪,没被打到。树做出受伤中弹状。 农夫又开枪,同上。 农夫开始加快频率,火力密集地开枪。兔子开始时惊慌躲闪,躲着躲着跳起舞来。树继续痛苦中弹状。]

  兔子A[自我陶醉中,边跳舞边说]You can't hurt me! You can't hurt me!

  树:[痛苦万分地]But…you…Hurt me…[痛苦地慢慢挪动到兔子背后]

  [兔子继续兴奋地跳舞。农夫停止开枪,走到兔子面前,看着它。 兔子猛然抬头发现]

  农夫:Ah ha~! Bye bye ! [举枪对准兔子,开枪,没声音,看看枪,示意没子弹了。兔子见状,非常兴奋地大笑起来]

  兔子A:Ha ha ha ha! You can’t kill me now! [兴奋大笑,笑到抽筋,笑到后仰。突然头撞倒了后面的树] Wa ![倒地]

  农夫:OH! [很兴奋地过去两个手指提起兔子]My lunch , I caught you !!! [把兔子绑到树上。打呵欠]tired! I’ll eat you after sleeping.[倒地睡觉](打鼾的声音)

  兔子A:[兔子很快醒了,看看四周,发现自己被绑了,很惊讶]Where am I? What happened?

  树:[指着农夫]He has caught you and wants to eat you.

  兔子A:What?! I must leave here! But how can I escape?[东张西望,看到农夫的手机]A  mobile![解开绳子去看手机]It’s Nokia WC 250! Wow,how fashion![放回原处。又自觉地把自己绑在树上。 突然想起来]A mobile!Maybe I can call some one to help me! [又不知不觉地把自己放出来,那起手机][做出打电话的样子] (配音:拨电话) Hello?

  兔子B:Hello!It’s Jenny.

  兔子A:Hey Jenny!

  兔子B:Oh,hey Mary!

  兔子A:How are you?

  兔子B:Fine,thank you.And U?

  兔子A:I’m fine too!How are your parents?

  兔子B:They are fine,thank you.And U?

  兔子A:They are fine,too!How is your uncle?

  兔子B:He’s fine,thank you!And U?

  兔子A:He’s fine , too! How…

  兔子B:Eheheh~wait.But why do you call me? If you want borrow some money from me…NO WAY!!!

  兔子A:No no no!I’m in danger now!Come and help me!!!

  兔子B:But where are you?

  兔子A:I’m under a tree!

  兔子B:[边打电话边在附近走,经过兔子A面前,两个人还没发现]What can you see around you?

  兔子A:I see a rabbit …that looks exactly like you!

  兔子B:A rabbit…like me… OK!I’ll find you.Just a second!Wait for me! I will help you! [匆匆离开]

  [兔子A 打完电话,小心翼翼地把手机放回农夫处,然后又很自觉地要把自己绑回了树上]

  兔子A:Haha!My friend will come and save me~!yeah! [兴奋过度,后仰,头又撞倒树上,倒地](虚弱地)Oh!Hurt! Call 110~Or 119?112?…Oh,forget it!I’m dying![作喉咙卡住声音,死去]

  [兔子B上。]兔子B:I’m also a rabbit!I’m smart! I’m  lovely! And I’m (作风情万种)beautiful! (自我陶醉)[转头看自己右手边,却发现兔子A倒在地上]Oh,my!Mary![伏在兔子A身上](哭声)I’m so sorry,Mary!I’m too late!5555555~~~~~~Mary![痛苦而夸张地转身敲打树]

  树:Oh!Oh,don’t hit me.!Don’t hit me!I’m ~~brea~ken![朝地上倒,压倒兔子B]

  兔子B:What?NONO!~~…I…can’t…breath……(

  [农夫一觉醒来。看见两只兔子] En?Two rubbits! I rememer I have caught just one?!Oh,thanks god!How lucky I am![兴奋地一手提一只兔子,哼着小曲下场]

  搞笑英语剧本(三)

  Justice Is The Winner(正义必胜)

  by Cecilia Liu 劉怡芬

  5人短剧。搞笑的匪徒,搞笑的绑架案,不错的剧本。

  人物

  Bunny Cheng:         Bunny Chen

  Eliza Lin:               Daughter

  Celine Tu:              Reporter et Aside

  Sano Hsieh:           Small gangster(小流氓)

  Trent Cheng:          Big gangster(大流氓)

  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  SCENE I

  A mother is doing exercise in the living room when the phone is ringing. And her daughter is in the school now.

  Mom:         Hello~

  Caller:       (A boy is crying.) Ha! Your kid is here. Do you hear his voice? If you want to save your kid, prepare the ransom.

  Mom:        Are you crazy? I don’t have a son!!! Don’t try to cheat me. Stupid guy!

  The mother is very angry and hung up the phone. But later… the phone is ringing again…

  Mom:        Hello~

  Caller:       Hello~ Are you busy now?

  Mom:        (I recognize the voice.) You are a fraud, right? Do you want to trick me again? Is it fun? Don’t do such a boring thing, O.K.? I won’t believe you.

  Caller:       Really? Listen to this.(A girl is crying on the phone, "mom, help me~ help me~)

  Mom:        Oh~ you are a good actor. This time is better but I still won’t fall into your trap to rob me of my money! If you call again, I will call the cop. Do you understand? (Hang up the phone more angrier.)

  But the voice sounds like her daughter’s and the mom is not disturbed. She decides to go to the elementary school to see her daughter. The mom got there…

  Mom:        Eliza~

  Eliza:         Mom~ why you are here? Are you missing me? Do you come here to pick me up?

  Mom:        Ya~ are you happy in the school? Let’s go home. I want to tell you something on the way home.

  Mom tells Eliza about the phone scam and wants her to be careful from now on.

  SCENE II英语剧本大全ww.coffbar.com

  Because the mother didn’t believe the two gangsters really kidnapped her kid, the gangsters were furious. So they decided to kidnap her daughter this time.

  The gangsters have found the school her daughter studies in, and observed for many days. Today is the day they plan to kidnap the child.

  The big gangster always focuses on what he’s doing but the small gangster is usually absent-minded.

  Big gangster:     Hey! Concentrate!! (The big gangster hit the small gangster’s head)

  Small gangster: Ouch! O.K. O.K.

  At this moment, the girl appears.

  Small gangster: (Check the picture.) Hey!! Buddy!! Look! Is that her?

  Big gangster:     Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s hunting time.

  Small gangster: I’m so excited!! Oh~ what a beautiful girl. Just like a fairy. My sweetheart… Buddy do you know? I feel that I get butterflies in my stomach!

  Big gangster:     (Hitting the small gangster’s head again.) Hey! Wake up!! Stop day-dreaming. Let’s make a move!

  Small gangster: Oh~ my baby~ I’m coming!!

  Big gangster:     Hey!! Lady!! Can you do me a favor?

  Eliza:                  Sure! What can I do for you?

  Small gangster: (Murmuring) This beautiful lady has a beautiful heart.

  Big gangster:     Sorry. Ignore what he said.

  Eliza:                  Never mind!

  Big gangster:     Thanks! I want to go to Tunghai University. Do you know how can I get there?

  Eliza:                  Oh… you should go straight until the  traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.

  Big gangster:     Go straight until the first traffic light, turn right and we will see a supermarket at the end of the street. And…

  Eliza:                  No! No! No! Go straight until the  traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.

  Small gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, then turn left and go straight to the end of the street, then we can see the university.

  Eliza:                  Oh, my! No! Wrong again! You two are really a stupid guy.

  Big gangster:     It’s too complex. I can’t remember all the directions. I’m a foreigner. And I have an important presentation there. Could you go with us, guide us there? Please~

  Eliza was confused. But she is a kind person and she likes to help people.

  Eliza:                  Umm… let me think… okay!! Let’s go!

  Small gangster: How kind of you!! My little girl.

  Big gangster:     Sorry. Just ignore him. Thank for your help.

  Eliza goes with the gangsters.

  In the gangsters’ car, the small gangster suddenly shows a sharp knife. And shouts, "Don’t move!" Eliza is shocked and starts screaming.

  Eliza:                  What are you doing?

  Small gangster: I’m kidnapping you!

  Eliza:                  Oh~ I am so scared.

  Small gangster: (Talk to the big gangster.) Did you hear that, she is scared?

  Big gangster:     Ya~ we are professional.

  Eliza:                  Not funny! I’m hungry. I want to go home! I want to go home!

  Small gangster: Shut up. Don’t be so noisy!

  Eliza keeps crying.

  Small gangster: You! Get out of the car!

  Big gangster:     (Hit the small gangster angrily!) Idiot! I have a stupid partner. (Disappointed)

  Eliza:                  I agree! (Nod head.)

  Big gangster:     Don’t cry baby, I give you a lollipop.

  Eliza:                  Thank you. How kind of you.

  SCENE III

  Mother is preparing dinner.

  Mom:                 Eliza! Eliza! Time for dinner! I’m hungry! Hurry up!

  No one answers her. And she realizes there is something wrong.

  Mom:                 Eliza, where are you? Don’t play hide and seek with me! It’s not funny. I’m hungry.

  As the mother is finding her daughter, the phone rings.

  Mom:                 Hello~ this is Anderson. I’m busy finding my daughter. Don’t bother me!

  Big gangster:     Are you finding your daughter? Ha! Ha! Ha… she is right here.

  Mom:                 Good job! Tell her it’s time for dinner. I’m hungry!

  Big gangster:     Hey! You are clueless. I have already kidnapped your daughter, Eliza Anderson!

  Mom:                 Hey! Buddy! Don’t trick me!

  Big gangster:     Sure! Listen! (The gangster takes the phone to Eliza.)

  Eliza:                  Hello! Mom! I’m here! They are so kind. They gave me a lollipop.

  The gangster takes the phone away.

  Big gangster:     Do you believe me now? If you want your daughter to come back for dinner. You have to prepare the ransom of NT $ 20,000,000.

  Mom:                 Too expensive! 20% off.

  Big gangster:     Are you buying clothes?

  Mom:                 Bargain is my hobby.

  Big gangster:    No negotiation you should bring the ransom to Tunghai Lake at 8:00 pm. And remember don’t call the cop. Or you will find your daughter in the lake.

  Mom:                 O.K. See you then!

  At Tunghai Lake.  The gangsters and Eliza are baking fish from the lake because they are hungry. At this time, the mother is coming.

  Mom:                 Ha! (Mom shouts.)

  The gangsters and Eliza are shocked. And the small gangster’s fish is falling down on the floor.

  Small gangster: Oh,! My fish! Who’s there?

  Mom:                 It’s me, Bunny Anderson, Eliza’s mother, Anderson’s wife. Where is my daughter? Release my daughter.

  Eliza:                  Hi! Mom, I’m here. Do you want to come here to eat fish?

  Big gangster:     Where is the ransom?

  Mom:                 Release my daughter first!

  Big gangster:     Give me the ransom first!

  Mom:                 No way!

  And the battle begins.

  Mom:                 Justice is always the winner.

  Eliza:                  Oh~ Yeah! Mom, you win!

  Celine:               Ha! I got it! I got it! A new…… headline.

  Celine:               I am at Tunghai Lake. Earlier, there was a violent fighting. A watermelon knife V.S. A B.B.Q. fork. According to the witnesses, a mother fought with the gangsters for her daughter. And the mother won. Now, let’s interview the persons involved.

  Celine:               Do you feel regretful? Do you feel sorry to this society?

  Small gangster: I……

  Celine:               I…… I know. You are very sorry and regretful. How about you? (Turn to the big gangster.)

  Big gangster:     None of your business. (Run to the wall.) Leave me alone.

  Eliza:         Me! Me!

  Celine:      What do you want to say?

  Eliza:         Uh…My mom is so cool. She came to save me!

  Mom:        My turn. My turn.

  Celine:      O.K. O.K. What do you want to say after winning the fight?

  Mom:        Well……

  Celine:      Well, you are very happy and proud of yourself to be the winner in the battle.

  Mom:        Yes. And the gangsters…

  Celine:      Oh, the gangsters are very stupid and silly.

  Mom:        Right. And they…

  Celine:      They want to trick you, but…

  Mom:        But… enough. I’m hungry. I want to go home with my daughter.

  Celine:      Next time, if you receive a phone call from a scam artist, here are the things you can do to avoid being tricked. First, stay clam and be skeptical about it. The caller hopes to fool you with a moving story, causing you to forget your good judgment. A little doubt can protect you. Second, verify the story. Call the organization to make sure the story is true. Third, report it to the police. And don’t deal with the villains on your own. One phone call will often expose a trap quickly. However, to tell the truth, the mother is really very brave. She is my idol. I want to keep her sign. This is reporter Celine reporting from Tunghia Lake for TVAS.

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